Ambivalence

I have always been fascinated with words. I have often thought of my love of words as a gender thing, as if doting on words is a femininity that I own, yet I do not believe there is any real truth to this thinking. I imagine that many men are in love with words too, and that an affinity for words is neither masculine nor feminine. I know now as an adult, that I could have studied words (become a linguist) yet I never knew there was such a science until several years ago. Words are beautiful, like names, rivers, and cities, and words are strong, like speeches, histories, and leaders. Each and every word can tell a story within its unique origin, and some words are too old to for us to even know their origin. Every time I hear a name of a person, I want to spell it and picture each letter that creates the name. I can not explain why I love doing this, other than by comparing this pleasure to a fine meal or panoramic view. When learning another language or words in another language, I do the same thing. I picture the word and each letter, and then I mull it around my brain enjoying its beautiful aroma.

And sometimes familiar words that seem old and ordinary can suddenly become beautiful and unique and special to me. I have had this kind of revelation about words many times, for example, fallible. Fallible is a beautiful word in structure and meaning that reminds us that making mistakes is normal and totally human. Another word I have been introduced to again is "ambivalence." I always thought ambivalence meant having no preference, as a positive or neutral connotation, but the word has become more dear to me when I realized that ambivalence also means a lack of commitment to an opinion. Ambivalence is actually the root of a lot of sorrow in my life.

If I analyse all the areas in my life that feel shattered, marred, unfinished, or lacking, I often times have a sense of two people within myself trying to make decisions-The Ambivalent Me. One voice is telling me one thing, while another voice is telling me to do something else, and I simply can not decide what to do sometimes. It's quite paralyzing really.

I should work longer today vs. I should watch TV on the Internet.
I should stay sober vs. I should get high.
I should go to the office vs. I should go visit someone.
I should go shopping vs. I should save money.
I should eat out vs. I should cook more at home.
I should write more vs. I should watch a good movie.

I know that getting stuck in "should" statements is a bad idea, but I am trying more to make a point of the ambivalence that dominates my thoughts. I am trying not to judge myself, but really want to understand how ambivalence is holding me back from my goals and dreams. I do have goals and dreams, and I would like to pursue them in this short life. It seems that one must make firm decisions in life and stick to them, rather than sit in a place of ambivalence. Ambivalence shows a fear of commitment and expresses a reluctance to living a driven and focused life of integrity.

Thank you words for being so interesting to me and making it possible for me to play around with you whenever I want. Perhaps I should rediscover "discipline!"