I got a Kindle from my boss for Christmas. Holy crap, I love it. I'm really scared of the buying power though. if I keep reading like I have been for the past few days, I will have to buy a lot of books. They make it so easy, with one little click. I could really blow a lot of dough on books. Usually I get some hand-me-downs or go to the Library, so it's a lot cheaper. But, the ease of the Kindle is unbelievable. Not having to hold the book open is one of the most liberating things I have ever known. Being able to change the font size and the lighting is incredible. Furthermore, the compulsive way I used to check how many pages I had left before the end of the chapter is very muted now. I just tap the screen and it tells me how far along I am in the book using percentages. And finally, there is so much less need to worry about stopping at exactly the right place. I can not even tell you how many times I have forgotten where I left off in a book because I put it down without marking the page. With the Kindle, it just remembers. So cool.

I read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo in a day and then watched the Swedish movie last night. I cant wait to see the new version. I think I may go the weekend that Tim and Tommy are going to Phoenix. It seems like a dream to have the house and this town all to myself for 4 days. I cant wait to eat out and visit old friends. I'm sure I will miss the boys, but I have never had a vacation away from both of them at one time. In fact, neither Tim nor Tommy have ever gone out of town in the 4 years Tommy has been alive. Strange. I can't wait to send them away together. It's good for everyone. So now I am going to watch a completely mindless episode of Nip/Tuck and then read The Girl who Played with Fire. I don't feel like going out for New Years, so I'm staying in with my book. Sounds like a great way to start the New Year. Happy New Year everyone. xo

Rain

It's raining, it's beautiful, and it's Fall. I love this time of year in Portland. The atmosphere is reminiscent of tropical, because the rain is pretty warm, all the green things are blowing in the wind, and the clouds move in ways that remind me of island trade winds. I absolutely love looking at everything when it is wet. The changing colors are so pretty, and I can see how the earth is soaking up all the water it needs for future life. It's luscious and amazing.

Ambivalence

I have always been fascinated with words. I have often thought of my love of words as a gender thing, as if doting on words is a femininity that I own, yet I do not believe there is any real truth to this thinking. I imagine that many men are in love with words too, and that an affinity for words is neither masculine nor feminine. I know now as an adult, that I could have studied words (become a linguist) yet I never knew there was such a science until several years ago. Words are beautiful, like names, rivers, and cities, and words are strong, like speeches, histories, and leaders. Each and every word can tell a story within its unique origin, and some words are too old to for us to even know their origin. Every time I hear a name of a person, I want to spell it and picture each letter that creates the name. I can not explain why I love doing this, other than by comparing this pleasure to a fine meal or panoramic view. When learning another language or words in another language, I do the same thing. I picture the word and each letter, and then I mull it around my brain enjoying its beautiful aroma.

And sometimes familiar words that seem old and ordinary can suddenly become beautiful and unique and special to me. I have had this kind of revelation about words many times, for example, fallible. Fallible is a beautiful word in structure and meaning that reminds us that making mistakes is normal and totally human. Another word I have been introduced to again is "ambivalence." I always thought ambivalence meant having no preference, as a positive or neutral connotation, but the word has become more dear to me when I realized that ambivalence also means a lack of commitment to an opinion. Ambivalence is actually the root of a lot of sorrow in my life.

If I analyse all the areas in my life that feel shattered, marred, unfinished, or lacking, I often times have a sense of two people within myself trying to make decisions-The Ambivalent Me. One voice is telling me one thing, while another voice is telling me to do something else, and I simply can not decide what to do sometimes. It's quite paralyzing really.

I should work longer today vs. I should watch TV on the Internet.
I should stay sober vs. I should get high.
I should go to the office vs. I should go visit someone.
I should go shopping vs. I should save money.
I should eat out vs. I should cook more at home.
I should write more vs. I should watch a good movie.

I know that getting stuck in "should" statements is a bad idea, but I am trying more to make a point of the ambivalence that dominates my thoughts. I am trying not to judge myself, but really want to understand how ambivalence is holding me back from my goals and dreams. I do have goals and dreams, and I would like to pursue them in this short life. It seems that one must make firm decisions in life and stick to them, rather than sit in a place of ambivalence. Ambivalence shows a fear of commitment and expresses a reluctance to living a driven and focused life of integrity.

Thank you words for being so interesting to me and making it possible for me to play around with you whenever I want. Perhaps I should rediscover "discipline!"

Heaven on Earth

Heaven on Earth


I enjoy fantasizing about different potential scenarios of what life could have been like for me had destiny not steered my existence for every second like a toddler being jerked around by one of those strange back pack leashes. Each one of us certainly has control over making important decisions in life, yet most things change around us with little or no control by the players involved. Time + time + time = total chaos for everyone.

What if things had been different and we could have altered our own paths and experience, and who would we be in these alternate parallel realities? For example, what if the seventies never ended? One can only dream right? It is my favorite Fantasy Parallel Life, where I can take the path I wanted to take back when I was a kid, rather than have time pulling my ass out into the great unknown with the strength of a monster rip tide. I just didn't get quite enough of the seventies, and I wonder about all the things that could have been. I feel a little ripped off really, so I entertain my delusions and my imagination takes over.

In my parallel existence I dress and look exactly like my baby sitters from 1976-the bicentennial, also known as "Heaven on Earth". I would imagine my hair would always look like this:



Or this:










And I would definitely wear shoes like these every day and enjoy how time, the sun, and my tan little toes aged the brown leather perfectly:








And when I "grow up" and make-out with Shawn Cassidy, I'll look something like this:


Or this:



Or this:












And later, when I realize I want a real man, the sexiest man alive will pick me up and we'll go play video games at the convenience store after we smoke a joint and blow up some fire works at the beach:


"Hi Matt"










He was so hot.


What happened? I had it all planned out and suddenly Reagan became president and I lost all sense of myself, my dreams, and my reality. It was as if the rug of life had been ripped out from under me and I no longer could direct myself through the path I had so desired- the path God owes me. My heaven will be something very 70's and no one can take my heaven or my Fantasy Parallel Life away from me.

More to follow.

Vaccinations and the Hype

Vaccinations have side effects, have been contaminated, and have even caused the diseases they are intended to prevent. It is very important to be honest about such things, and is in no way a conspiracy theory. Even the Center for Disease Control website lists 30,000-40,000 cases of side effects from vaccinations every year. Some of them are horrible and cause life long problems, even death. I had to call the CDC once because my boyfriend had an unbelievably tragic reaction to a tetanus shot. This experience let me to read a lot of vaccination statistics via the CDC, because I wanted to read the actual reports and statistics rather than any media hype. It's important to be educated and realistic I think, although trusting where we get our information is challenging.